This Is Us.

I suppose it would be intelligible to give the hot 3 people that are reading this some back story – just kidding there’s like at least 7 of you. But anyway here’s the jist of how things went and how they are now.

I’m Lex. Just turned 29. Living the eternal dream – dead end job .. no seriously I greet people right now for a living at a hospital.. basically 2 steps up from Walmart but I don’t have any stickers to hand out. I was working as a crisis counselor before Riley, needed health insurance, the whole 9 whatever that’s how I got to be the best ER greeter in philly. Thanks. ANYWAY..

I found out in February I was pregnant with Riley – complete utter shock, literally didn’t even think it was possible.. I’m that asshole that has sex once and gets knocked up. Sorry. My ex did not want the baby going so far as to question if it was even his – my pregnancy, emotionally was less than ideal. People actually asked if keeping her was a good idea, ya know as if I wasn’t already worried about it myself let’s just add in some outside doubt, my favorite however were the people who felt it was their right to know who the father was.. like people I BARELY know.. and apparently just saying he isn’t involved isn’t clue enough to stop asking, one woman went so far as to tell me that I shouldn’t have slept with someone who wasn’t going to take responsibility for his actions. !!!????! WHAT!?

Being pregnant and alone was such a rollercoaster – some days I was like fuck him, fuck that I can do this I don’t need anyyyyone – like no big deal, I fucking got this, I’m a bad fucking bitch. (Insert hair flip) But then there were days where it took everything in me not to call and beg him to be apart of this. Apart of us. We spoke here and there – I didn’t want to get wrapped up in something that would never be- but I often found myself wishing he was around so I could have a “normal pregnancy” – one where we talked about names and what we thought she would look like, one where he would do something so simple as to put his hand on my belly and feel her kick. Those were the hard days. The days where I just wanted to be held and told I looked super beautiful and not like a fucking potato. And ya know be assured that my child wouldn’t grow up with some grotesque Daddy issues. But those days didn’t happen and instead I had some friends and family to lean on and go over baby names with (thank you for not allowing me to name her Elliot), to joke with about weird pregnancy cravings (like literally being obsessed with all things Spanish), to ask fifty thousand annoying questions like what kind of diapers to use or what bottles and to lean on and vent to when I questioned myself and my choice. (For those of you who helped me during this time I am eternally grateful).

I swore for the bulk of my pregnancy Riley was in fact a little boy – like SWORE. And I balled my fucking eyes out when I found out my he was a she. And I felt like a terrible person because I literally did not want a girl and was 100% concerned I would not be able to love her. But it wasn’t something I really openly discussed- I joked about how I cried and how I made another ultrasound tech check me again but it was an actual fear I carried inside for a good couple months. This is the actual photo of me realizing there is pink icing inside the cake.. those are not tears of joy .. very Kim Kardashian..

Let’s just say thank god for my one friend who I confided in who told me she felt the exact same way and that it would get better.. totally didn’t believe her but she was right and I am so happy riley is riley.

So la la la Riley came four weeks early due to a complication. I’m a total bitch because it was an easy labor.. easy meaning once I dilated it was 3 pushes and out in 5 minutes. But it totally took 16 hours to get there and was Painful as fuck, I swore pooped on a doctor but apparently didn’t, was super homicidal the last hour, but then there she was this gross little goopy creature thrust onto my belly and I was instantly filled with complete and utter disbelief that I created something so perfect.

So that’s a little bit about us. Or a lot.

Thanks to all the women especially other moms that texted or messaged me – let me know if there are things you want discussed.. I’ve got a few things up my sleeve but I wanna hear from you.. serious funny whatever.. it’s nice to know there’s other people going through the same damn thing… as always….

Love and Light

Lexie PS

Also ps… this is what parenthood mostly looks like